Jaune's tutorial
by martinm95
Summary: Jaune is here to teach yall how to do some basic stuff like real men. RWBY&HowToBasic crossover oneshot. P.S. I'm not sorry.


**How To Bake Cookies**

Jaune Arc was standing stark naked next to the kitchen countertop, staring at the products he got in order to bake some cookies. He grabbed a single egg from the cartoon of ten and smashed it into the counter. He stared at it for a bit, then grabbed the entire cartoon and slammed it onto the counter, breaking all nine eggs.

Next he grabbed the bag of butter and tried tearing it open, but couldn't.

"YYAAAGRARRRRAGGGRR" Jaune roared in rage, slamming the bag on the pile of broken eggs. He grabbed a knife and threw it at the fire axe cabinet, breaking the glass. He grabbed the firefighter axe and started slamming onto the butter bag, chopping it to pieces and spilling butter, egg yolk and shells everywhere. Then he slammed his hand and started smearing all the ingredients all around the counter, making an enormous mess.

It was time to mix them. Jaune pulled out a bowl and used his hands to scoop chunks of the mess of ingredients and put them inside. He then got the hand mixer and tried to mix the stuff, only for the thing to break due to all the shells and fabric. Jaune roared again, dropped the mixer inside the bowl, grabbed the fire axe again and started furiously smashing the bowl with it.

Jaune looked around, noticing the blender on the other side of the counter. He scooped the mixture, along with the fragments of the bowl and mixer and put them inside. He stared at the open blender for a bit, pondering what he was forgetting. It finally hit him like a huge axe chopping a bowl. He grabbed the small urn of sugar and dropped it inside as well. He started the blender.

Due to the blender being open, it started spilling the mixture and shards everywhere. One particularly big shard was shot out of the kitchen.

Ruby Rose was woken by the noise coming out of the kitchen. She got up, still in her pajamas and made her way there. Before she could enter though, a large broken piece of a bowl flew from the room and slammed into her forehead, knocking her down. She yelped, getting up and rushing inside.

"Hey, is someone he… O-OH MY GOD J-J-JAUNE! WH-WHATS WITH ALL THE MESS! AND WHY ARE YOU NAKED!" Ruby screamed, staring at hem with wide eyes and a massive blush on her face.

Jaune quickly grabbed the blender and forced Ruby onto the ground before she could snap out of her shock.

"JAUNE! WHAT ARE YOU DOI-" Ruby attempted to say, but was cut off when Jaune poured the… whatever was inside the blender on top of her. "WHAT EVEN IS THIS?" She attempted to speak again, but her question fell to deaf ears. Jaune pulled out a bottle of hot water and a cartoon of baking soda and emptied both on top of Ruby, ignoring her protests.

"aahaaahaaaha" Jaune sighed as he proceeded to step all over Ruby, squishing and smearing the weird mixture all over her body. This caused Ruby to start laughing as it was tickling her.

"JAUNE, CUT THAT OU-" Ruby attempted to demand, but Jaune cut her off by sticking his big toe inside her mouth and wiggling it furiously. He pulled out a wiener and dragged it vertically across Ruby's face while making a "shhhhhh" sound with his mouth.

Time to bake. Jaune picked Ruby up bridal style and opened the oven.

"JAUNE, WAI-"

He tried to force the mixture covered girl inside, but she didn't fit.

"YYAAAGRARRRRAGGGRR" Jaune roared in fury and resorted to his fire axe once again. He tossed Ruby aside, grabbed the axe and gave the oven a furious beating till it exploded and the entire counter caught fire. The knight grabbed another knife and threw it at another cabinet, this time with a fire extinguisher inside. He pulled the extinguisher out and started bashing the fire with the bottle. The bottle eventually exploded, knocking Jaune back and covering the entire counter with chemicals that extinguished the fire.

He picked himself and the still conscious and flabbergasted Ruby and put her on the counter. He got a huge bag of chocolate chips and poured it all over Ruby. Finally, he put a single strawberry on her forehead.

Jaune took a step back to admire his work. In front of him on the counter was lying Ruby covered in a mixture of all kinds of stuff from ingredients to fabric and shards of broken things, staring at him and attempting to make sense of what just happened. He nodded approvingly and gave a huge thumbs up.

"JAAAAUUUNEEEEEYYYYY-BOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

Shit.

' _Sometime later'_

The headmaster was walking around the halls sipping his coffee when something weird happened. Out of the corner emerged naked Mr. Arc with a huge amount of eggs in his hands, running past him and tossing the eggs on the ground behind him. After him came a flaming, red-eyed Yang, who kept slipping on the broken eggs and falling on her face, but still determined to catch Jaune. Ozpin chuckled at the sight.

"I remember how I used to do that kind of stuff before I became a headmaster and even posted it online. Aaaah, that brings back great memories." He chuckled again and walked away.

 **So, yeah. To quote Yang, 'That was a thing'. This was a combination of RWBY hype, watching way too many 'HowToBasic' videos and me being bored out of my mind. Enjoy this small oneshot as I return to my other fic and hopefully update it soon. As of right now, I have no plans to continue this past a oneshot, but we will see.**

 **RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth.**

 **HowToBasic belongs to… well, HowToBasic.**


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